Have you ever been there, at the crossroads of life? Looking both ways but not knowing which is right.
Staring into the distance, trying to see just a glimmer of light? As if at a stop light that never turns green, you're stuck at the intersection of me and He.
But the roads aren’t labeled for as far as you can see.
As you cry out for guidance with this burden on your heart it seems that you’re still standing in the dark.
You fear that this time He has left you alone to weigh for yourself the things that you do and do not know.
Although in your heart you acknowledge that it’s not him, in this moment that negative idea is the strongest of all of them.
Where do I go? Which way do I turn? Tears fill your eyes as you seek to learn.
Learn of your path and learn where it leads, surrendering to something that you can’t even see.
If the faith of a mustard seed can move the earth, how little is yours? Is it even the size of a grain of dirt?
Stepping into the dark when you can’t know what’s next is the hardest test man has been handed yet.
I want something solid, tangible, and real, at least to the standards the world sets for my feels.
Why can’t I know, why can’t I see, why does trusting have to be so hard for me?
Are there people out there that God still speaks to and if there are why can’t it be me or you?
What have I done wrong which way did I turn to prevent me from hearing the voice that I especially yearn?
Is God actually talking yet his voice is so still that I can’t seem to slow my life enough to hear his will?
I think I am asking and I think I am really there, putting all of me in front of Him, down on my knees in constant prayer.
“God please lead me, show me my path because I am terrified of incurring your wrath.”
Wait there it is, there is the crux of my spiritual life, the fear in my heart in the realization that my sense of God has fallen apart.
When I look at the past I know what He has done each time and I realize my prayers were not filled with words rather silence was all that was there as I simply set down tuning my ear.
So I now re-close my eyes and bow my throbbing head as the prayer I now pray changes exponentially.
“God I don't want to see where my path leads because I know where I go is where you will lead.
You've shown me time and time again the road I should take and though rugged terrain has gotten in the way, the scars I have gathered, the muscles that have grown, the person I am is one who now knows.
Knows of your love and knows of your plan and is willing to follow you even if it is to foreign land.
I have this trouble because somewhere along the way there was a seed planted that should have been thrown instantly away.
Satan has bombarded me with the things of this world, he has made me too busy to see the things of my past, of where I once was to where I now am.
So give me your eyes to see people as you do to look on the world with a heart of flesh gifted from you.
Here it is, the core of my plea: at this point I hand over my life for I am truly tired of this inward strife.
Wipe away my concerns and the voices in my head that compete with the words you have already said.
Make clear in my mind the path of which you would have me go. Allow me to see only the footsteps your Son has made for me to follow.
Make me the Christian I long to become and add to my faith when I seem to have none.
Forgive me for my doubt and not listening to your will.
Open my heart so that I may be wholly thine, never questioning what has been made clearly divine.
Please open and shut the doors that I need and to trust that you will never mislead. The Devil is the father of lies his deceptive devices are not thine.
You lead with clear insight showing the way so send Satan out so that I may not be lead astray.
I die to myself so that you might live and that the resurrected life I now lead is yours to give.
Give to your people, give to the world, take everything I have and use in any way you see fit, for by giving my all and surrendering my will I know that you have the ability to heal.
So touch my lips with the coals from heaven’s door and anoint my spirit that I may listen forever more.
Brittany Crawford is an alumna of Andrews University who graduated May of 2015 with degrees in Religion and General Studies with an emphasis in Social Sciences. She adores traveling and learning about new cultures and places.
This is a companion discussion topic for the original entry at http://spectrummagazine.org/node/6890