I suffered from Dark Depression from 1984 to 2009, and I had a huge problem trying to believe our Creator God has my best interests in mind.
I was sexually molested by older kids when I was 6 years old, and because the genetic sin of my addicted ancestors had been passed down to me, I became obsessed with the nude female body at that very young age. As I became older, my teenage hormones kicked in and I became obsessed with the idea of sex. However, since I was an Adventist, I was forbidden by God to have sex with a woman, so I was greatly relieved when I got married in 1974.
Now that I was married, I had God’s permission to have all the sex I wanted! The great problem for me was my First Wife whom I married in 1974 had a normal sexual drive, whereas I was on turbo charge in my ongoing hunger for daily sex. This huge disconnect in our vastly different sex drives meant I was always frustrated that I wasn’t getting the daily sex I hungered for.
I had a lot of cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile a God who supposedly had my best interests in mind, and yet the Bible only gave me one approved way to satisfy my constant sexual hunger, and that was to be married to one woman. So I got married in 1974, only to discover to my great distress that my First Wife had a smaller, more normal sex drive, which felt to me like I was a turbocharged race car and she was just a small Gokart track.
It felt to me that God was cruel, just out there in the vastness of space, enjoying my constant sexual frustrations. Because I want to go to Heaven, I felt I had no choice but to continually be stuck with this “difficult to love” God of the Bible.
Then in October 2008 my First Wife suddenly divorced me, and I was left in a place of panic and shock, because I had to take on an extra $800 in expenses. She had been my everything, and yet after 34 years of marriage she was suddenly gone, with no interest in being reconciled me. All I could do was put the divorce papers on our bedroom floor and beg God to get me through this soul shaking divorce.
And to my great amazement, I personally saw “God step out of the shadows” and He/She became very real to me. It was my great relief that this invisible God was getting me safely through this marriage crisis and he/she led me to a second wife who has been my absolute delight.
As I searched for a second wife to love, I had a problem. Because I was still suffering from Depression in 2008, my good friend Terry Reibstein told me I had to get that frown off my face, because no woman was going to love an always frowning man.
So I had to find a way to smile again, so one of the first things I did was go see a Psychiatrist who prescribed Prozac for me, which has greatly put me on the happier side of life.
Second, I desperately asked God for help, so the second thing my Creator did was lead me to read online Near Death Experiences (NDE). I read hundreds of them, and from these astonishing stories I fell in love with my Creator God again.
From those NDEs, I learned these truths:
1- The love our Creator God has for each of us is a MILLION TIMES GREATER than anything you have ever felt on Earth.
2- Life is supposed to be hard, because we are trying to learn Unconditional Love, which we do by being jostled around by unpleasant and selfish people all around us.
We are very well Taken Care Of by the spirit realm of the Holy Spirit that lives inside all those who have accepted Jesus’ freely offered gift of eternal salvation, and we all have guardian angels assigned to us believers to keep us safe from most of the great harms of life on our badly broken planet.
If God is cruel, then where did all the good things come from?
I am 69 years old, and I have learned my life WITH GOD is far better than without God.