Satire | 3ABN to Add Three New Shows


(system) #1

Due to recent low ratings, the 3ABN board recently voted 1-to-0 to approve a lineup of new prime time shows. At the eight o'clock p.m. slot, 3ABN will hook up with Kinship International to sponsor a new program entitled "Queer Eye for the GC Guy."

According to star and veteran Adventist producer, Klaus Etted, five people will roam the three floors of the Silver Spring General Conference complex randomly pulling out employees for a quick outfit makeover. "The time of the end is near for dull gray slacks, navy blazers, and flower ties," he promises.

After all GC employees have been reclothed in Abercrombie and Fitch relaxed khakis, Hermes shirts, and Hugo Boss jackets, the 3ABN team will join with health guru Agatha Trash and send all brown-shirted Pathfinders for a two-week lifestyle camp at Weimar Institute entitled "Little Debbies are Wrong, White is Right."

Other shows will include "Desperate Pastors' Wives," a new weekly reality show that will visit a different church right after the sermon and follow the pastor's wife around as she uncovers the weekly mysteries of who brought spam to the potluck, which child was smoking in the bathroom, and who said she shouldn't wear such revealing skirts.

Another new show is "Adventist Ideal," where new Adventists will compete in telling their testimonies. A three-person panel will offer critiques, while the 3ABN viewers will phone in their votes for the ideal Adventist. The blue-ribbon panel will consist of a reformed hippie pot and acid user, a back from backsliding Adventist woman, and a businessman who had it all (six-figures and a blonde wife), but lost it all and is now a seminary student. The contestants will be judged on variety of former sins, fastest justification, balancing references to Scripture and Ellen White, and what may prove to be the hardest category of all: tastefully depicting, but not glorifying, the pleasures of the world. Bonus points will be given for use of the Testimonies, references to heavy metal bands, or most altar calls. Serious points will be lost if a contestant still lives with parents or talks too high-falutin'.

The winner will receive a paid tour of the Mid-America Union churches telling his or her testimony. Any person of the opposite sex who then wins the heart of the Adventist Ideal will receive a free trip for both to an Engaged Encounter and free premarital sex counseling from Kay Kuzma. After an appropriately long engagement, the couple will arrive back in Illinois for a 3ABN-filmed wedding and a year-long honeymoon working for Adventist Frontier Missions in Papua, New Guinea.


This is a companion discussion topic for the original entry at http://spectrummagazine.org/node/802

#2

This is really funny. Hats off to the writer!